The Barbecue

To put us on the right track, we start this off with a proper boys meal, the Barbecue. Someone once wrote (probably in the Telegraph, ) that men are genetically incapable of letting a woman light a barbecue. Excellent. Stops the poor loves burning themselves. Nothing worse than par grilled spouse, (or spouslet.)

So to work gentlemen. What is a barby? Our dear antipodean cousins would have us believe that it’s an excuse for overcooking a ‘shrimp’, whilst our Atlantic brethren sometimes find it hard to conceive of a barby event without slaughtering at least one cow (politically correct here in the UK, but don't eat them!) Here in Britain, it’s normally a miserable concoction of sausages, drumsticks, flacid pork and beef slices thrown together with ‘french’ bread, crisps and some cold potato. This is all wrong. A barby is an excuse to eat curry!

How about grilled Tandoori chicken, Chicken coated in coconut and lemon, Beef Vindalho kebabs, Cummin Pork kebabs, Chillied Lamb, Crisps or Chips, a fantastic Tamarind rice that will keep you going back for more, Chickpea curry, some chutneys to die for and a good fresh salad, Indian style. Of course you can always have some Nan, chappaties and Papudoms along with some pickles.

Now, the real trick with a barby is to make sure that come the time of the event, you are not overly burdened. After all, you have to be able to talk to your mates as well as feed them. Indian food is great for this, because a lot of the work can be done ahead of time. Meat needs to be marinaded, rice can be cooked ahead, raitas made ahead etc. Nan, chappaties and Papudoms can be bought in along with the pickles. Lets not be coy here, making bread and pickles is best left to those with far more time on their hands. We’re busy. Let’s take a typical timescale. Barby on Sunday afternoon. This means that we can’t do anything on Saturday morning because we too busy doing all those things we can’t do during the week because we’re working. We can probably squeeze an hour around Saturday lunch. Saturday afternoon’s booked for the Rugby/Football/Ballroom Dancing (Hey, whatever it takes.) Saturday night is usually a disaster because of the Rugby/Football/Ballroom Dancing. Which leaves Friday and Sunday. No problem, assuming you can drag yourself out of your pit by about 10am, you should be in reasonable shape.

The plan

Friday night

Put the chicken into tandoori marinade. Put pork into cummin marinade. Put beef into vindaloo marinade. Go out.

Saturday.

Cook the tamarind rice, cover and leave to cool. Put lamb into chilli marinade. Make sure you’ve got the ingredients you need for tomorrow. If not, stop off at the shops on way to Rugby/Football/Ballroom Dancing. Don’t try doing this on the way back. Before you go out in the evening, put rice into fridge.

Sunday.

Bath. Put chicken into coconut and lemon marinade. Make chutneys and chill. Get the Nan bread out of the freezer. Peel some potatoes for crisps/chips and leave to soak in cold water. Have a rest and a beer until your mates turn up. Light the barby, make the salad, put deep fat fryer on, cook meat. ¾ through cooking meat (keeping it warm in a low oven when cooked,) pop Nan bread in oven and near the end put potatoes in to fry.

Serve and enjoy.